Why you should care about National Aglet Day.

By Mike Turner | September 7, 2018

Aglets are those plastic tips on shoelaces.

You should not care about National Aglet Day.

National Aglet Day doesn’t even exist. But wait: Why not? We have a National Day for cheeseballs, rubber erasers and lumpy rugs. (Fact!) Why are aglets just flat-out ignored? If you’re saying “Because they are not important enough to get their own day,” I would ask you to remove the aglets from one of your shoelaces. Do it right now, please. I’m waiting. Now that you have done that (I trust you), take the lace out of your shoe and try to re-lace it without the aglets. Okay now tell me they don’t deserve a day.

How National Days get designated.

I have no idea how National Days get designated. I’m assuming there is a secure location somewhere in DC—perhaps an underground bunker—where government employees gather to try to think of things that don’t already have a day. (This work gets harder and harder.) Maybe these people used to work in the Postage Stamp Division—but nobody buys stamps anymore and since a worker cannot get fired within the city limits of our nation’s capitol (by law), they get sent over to the National Day Research Bunker (NDRB).

It’s true about the cheeseballs, the rubber erasers and the lumpy rugs.

They have days. America did this. The rest of the world wants to know why.

Yet another thing dividing our country—National Licorice Day.

Why did the NDRB give a day to licorice? Were they “persuaded” by Big Licorice? The thing is, you either love licorice or you hate it. By giving licorice a slot on the calendar, all the NDRB accomplished was to assign an official day for the pro-licorice faction and the anti-licorice faction to swarm into the streets and clobber each other. Consider that National Licorice Day is April 12th, which is also the day the Civil War started. Coincidence? Ha!

You know what doesn’t have its own day? Days.

It would make total sense to have a National Day Day. Think about it: when the nation agreed to designate a National Beaver Day, it was our way of saying dammit, beavers are super-important (probably)! Well, the nation clearly thinks days are super-important, or we wouldn’t have a whole bunker devoted to naming them. So let’s honor the long-disrespected “day“ with its own day. (If you’re not following all this because you’re still thinking about National Beaver Day, it’s the last Friday in February. Now please focus.)

Beaver Day and Groundhog Day are both in February. I mean come on!

Aren’t they the same animal, except beavers build dams? Even if they’re different species, they’re hard to tell apart if you’re too lazy to Google it. The NDRB should spread these things out. It would be like giving June both Popsicle Day and Lollipop Day. You can’t honor two sweet-treats-on-a-stick in the same month!

Does Canada do this? Please say no.

I want to believe that Canada does not have a bunker and it leaves calendar days pretty much alone except for maybe National Mounty Day in spring and National Hockey Day in winter. If Canada is indeed that intelligent, the U.S. should designate a National Canada Day just to honor Canada for being smarter than us—as proven by the fact that the United States was stupid enough to designate a National Canada Day.

Greatest Hits of National Days.

Everybody’s list would be different but mine would certainly include National Caramel Day (April 5) and National Caramel Popcorn Day (April 6). Obviously, sitting in a windowless bunker makes former stamp workers a little giddy. Because after they came up with that “two-caramel-related-days-in-a-row” gag, they hit us with National All is Ours Day—which sounds kind of Zen but also, possibly, a symptom of oxygen deprivation.

I downloaded a list of National Days.

Why? I don’t know. I feel embarrassed about it now. I think I was trying to fill some kind of void—an emptiness inside that nothing can ever really fill. Certainly not a list of National Days. Let’s move on.

Got a product or service that doesn’t have a National Day?

It is unlikely your product does not already have a day. However! If you are one of the rare exceptions, call us. Our digital marketing team is ready and waiting to develop a campaign aimed at swaying the NDRB to your side. We’d start with an A/B email test, followed by a retargeting campaign. Our goal would be to attract your bunker-dwelling target to a landing page optimized to drive conversion. Success would be defined as getting your company’s product on that list of National Days, and into the hearts and minds of calendar users everywhere.